they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
