apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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