Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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