My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
