Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
