i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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