I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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