I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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