Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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