Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
