That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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