Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
