My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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