Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
