My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
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One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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