I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
