Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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