hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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