I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
