Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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