There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
