So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
