hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
