That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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