the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
