She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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