When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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