just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
