69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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