I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
