Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
