I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
