p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
