I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.