a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I won't apologize to a one balled man
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
