don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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