I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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