Porn is love you can see.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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