Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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