Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
