i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
