Please, let me fuck your mom
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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