If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
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She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
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what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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