Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
