I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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