Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
