Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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