god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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