I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
