Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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