Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
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My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
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He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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