If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
