you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
