Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This girl is more easily done than said...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
