This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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