i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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